when regret and hope collide
A month ago, I met my Hawe-ian friends. Then I smoke some cigarettes, something we used to do when we’re together. Something I actually avoid now, for I have relinquished smoking.
But well, I did it to honor them and I was OK with it,… until I feel some ache in my heart afterwards, and the next morning bloods come out of my teeth—something that used to happen when I smoke so bad.
Oh God, I forgot that my body resists smoke. And while I was cruising to get some news that day, suddenly I remembered the death. I thought about it a lot, and realized that I’m… a kind of…. afraid of it.
Not afraid of loosing my life. But it’s just that… I’m afraid the death will abolish the memories of my Mom and my feeling to her. Death already took her and I’m afraid that the death will erase these memories out of my mind.
According to Islamic religious teaching, in the next life human will be gathered but will never recognize each other. Mother will not know her son, and children will not care their parents. They’re all gather in The Judgment day and only worry for the judgment result.
It is said that there will be no more blood relationship when we are in life after death. Human relationship will totally be abolished. We won’t be gathered as family, in heaven or—even—in hell.
If it is true, then I am such a foolish, so foolish not to say how much I love my mom, not to let her know that I dedicate all these little achievement in my life for her, right when she has a chance to know and happy for it. Considering… many painful things happened to our life, and many meaningful things she’s given to me and my sister in the while.
Yes, I would never see her satisfaction smile for knowing my achievement. Now I realize being foolish because she and I won’t have no chance to interact, to humanly share our affection. Death is the gate when all mortal relationship is abolished. No more sons, no more mother, no more lovers, no more memories.
It’s all over…
Now the death took her away permanently and left me nothing unless agonizing memories deep rooted in my very heart. And someday... the death upon me will take it as well, left me as an immortal without this feeling I strongly preserve.
I wish I can live forever to keep these memories of her alive… these memories hurt me a lot, but I’d rather swallow the pain than living without it.
***
Knife... it cuts like a knife….
01:15 in the morning and this Rockwells’ song accompany me when I wrote this on my laptop. Yes Ayu, I mean it. It’s not only women who able to bleed, wounded, or cry.
I wrote it two weeks ago, and decided to blog it to remind me that I must survive this life for I have someone whom I dedicate my love and happiness now, besides my mom. I love this girl and have to make her happy before I leave this world—or she leaves me—someday.
So, people, if you love someone, tell him/ her and show it cause you will feel this pain when the death take her/ him while you haven't express it. I made my mistake, and learn a lot.
"I guarantee we'll have rough times. And I guarantee that, at one time, one or both of us would want to get out. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know in my heart you're the only one for me." (Runaway Bride, the movie)
12 pendapat:
soal mom, aku masih beruntung darimu, friend. tapi kecemasanku kembali datang, ibuku akhir-akhir ini sakit-sakitan. aku teringat suatu malam,ketika kondisinya hampir sekarat, saat aku sedang ujian akhir kelulusan SMP. beberapa hari ini aku juga dicemaskan menunggui bulek-adek kandung ayahku- yang tergeletak di ICU karena komplikasi.
mataku mudah sekali meleleh menjumpai orang-2 di rumah sakit. tiba2 saja, seoalah mereka adalah orang terdekatku.
tengah malam saat aku masih di RS, aku terkejut mendengar suara histeris seorang perempuan di depan Kariadi.aku melihatnya dari lantai atas, di ruang tunggu pasien. ada yang baru saja terjadi pada dirinya. mungkin saja ia baru kehilangan orang yang dicintainya.
berbeda dengan kau saat itu, aku melihatmu tersenyum. bahkan kau masih sempat bercanda, menggoda suster yang lewat. tapi kesedihanmu itu tak bisa dibohongi. kau telah melewatinya. aku banyak mencuri pelajaran darimu tentang hal ini.
sampai sekarang aku masih bersyukur. mereka, orang2 dekatku, masih ada.
Aku rasa, Arif sudah ambil hikmahnya. Tapi jangan sedih teruuss, 'ntar cepet tua lo.
Sisi baiknya, yang Arif alami bisa jadi pelajaran buat orang lain.
Sekarang aku lebih mensyukuri keberadaa kedua orangtuaku.
Lepas dari semua itu...akting sih boleh, menutupi kesedihan, tapi kenapa harus menggoda suster sih? ;)
jadinya aku meramaikan keadaan! hehe.. lagian kan sayang kalau hari mereka ikut muram gara-gara aku.
tahu nggak, pas aku nungguin ibu, ni suster salah-salah mulu masukkin jarum infus sampe ibu meringis-ringis.
setelah kupikir-pikir, kini aku tahu mengapa dia salah2 begitu. karena ada cowok cakep di dekatnya! haha... *kaburrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
hehe.. iya sayang, kamu benar.
aku sarankan debukaki baca novel Ayat-Ayat Cinta karya Habiburahman, koleksi FLP punya, agar bisa menjadi idola bagi para perempuan. ikhwan sejati tak tergoda oleh jerat rayu perempuan....
kalau aku mah, lelaki sejati, ada mangsa, sikat aja,
Gilang, kalau jeles jangan gitu dong, aku jadi prihatin si debukaki mendapat serangan balik TELAK!
(orang HMI gak harus ikhwan dalam arti sempit),lo)
aku hanya berlutut di hadapan kekasihku pada saat-saat tertentu kok, yakni saat.... hehe... *cethuk
Kini anak-anak burung itu hanya bisa menatap pohon itu, matanya berkaca-kaca. Tidak ada lagi rumah, tidak ada lagi perlindungan, tidak ada lagi kasih sayang, kehangatan, dan kicauan seperti dulu.
Anak-anak burung itu akhirnya pergi. Mencari hidupnya sendiri-sendiri…….
Oh God, please bless them. Please, stay and hold them…..where ever they are.
Beberapa waktu sebelum Ibu meninggalkan aku, perasaan itu terasa begitu tajam. Aku pun merasa sangat menyayanginya. Memang aku tidak mengatakan langsung dari bibirku, tapi aku tahu kalau ibu bisa merasakan hal itu.
Sudah menjadi kebiasaanku jika aku merasakan sesuatu yang sangat perih dalam lubuk hatiku, hingga membuatku menangis, aku selalu memanggil Ibu, dan mengadu atas semua yang menjadi beban pikiranku. Aku tahu ibu bisa mendengar. Dia menanyakannya ke aku beberapa waktu kemudian, “ apa yang terjadi….”
Sekarang aku tidak tahu apakah hal itu masih bisa aku lakukan. Aku hanya bisa berharap semoga ibu akan tetap bisa mendengarkan setiap panggilanku. Dan kebiasaan itu masih selalu aku lakukan. Kemudian….aku bisa merasakan suatu kekuatan baru untuk terus berjalan, dan berjalan…
kamu, ucik, dan (relatively) aku sudah punya home. Tapi indah, poor girl...
dan mereka bilang, selama masih di alam kubur, hubungan batin antar manusia belum terputus. anak dan ibu masih bisa saling mendengar, somehow berkomunikasi, melalui lauhul mahfudz, katanya.
I wisht it's true. And I think it is..
She never talked about it. She might do with Ucik. She does have some places to go and stay with, and welcome her. But sure it is not like our own cage. I knew she did ‘a bit’ down about it.
That time we were worry about you, because you looked very down after all. But seem to not stay long since…..( the beautiful lady from Yogya came to your live, ya too) .….That’s what we hope anyway.
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