sub-consciousness pain
I'm strong in front of them, especially in front of my enemy.
I used to persuade myself, to build my own brave and spirit, so the world captures my image as a an everything's-all-right person.
Damn! I'm good in it.
I smile, laugh, do my daily jobs, and make everyone around me interacts normally with me. Briefly, everyone is happy, and... as the wise words says, "everybody has their own secret, too!"
And I do. I consider everything is fine, nothing's wrong with that.
Untill suddenly, in a windy afternoon, I woke up sweaty, half naked, for a pain in my heart. It was very.. very strange pain, right here, in my left chest, on the below tips of my left-lungs.
Just few seconds before it happened, I dreamed about everything that happened to me, moving like a slide of movie, I could see myself lying on bed, on a different bed, completed with my millieu, my situation, and all the sadness that I used to hide, to swallow, and to press deep beyond my consciouness.
It came as a lake monster, appeared from the dark-foggy water, moved upon me, looked straight to my face, apple to apple. He brought me my other side of feeling that I hide, as if intentionally came to show my forbidden reflection of life, to mock me.
I can see it completely, thoroughly. It is my biggest enemy that I haven't battle yet face to face.
My job takes my life a lot, left no time for me to deal with it.
But somehow, I will defeat this enemy!
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But in the end I started to think, I am not going to live like that forever. So scary…..stuck with discipline, regulation, and it is tiring to keep on having high motivation every day and every hour. Well, that is good. But you do have any other things in this live that you have to take care…and not just work.
Dear, I did not mean to bring your motivation down in this case. Just something to remind you, this is live. It is hard and full of surviving. And that is all about. But you must remember if this is not forever. One day you will pass this battle. But hey, do not start to think now. You’re only a start, right? That’s why I said, you still have such a long way to go…( kasihan deh lu ! )
And never mind, you’re strong enough, you have passed some very difficult live ever in your live….very well. Sure you can do this easy.
As you know, for you to have to face all this it is not just human plan. What you have to do now is, just enjoy your live and take it easy, baby. Face it and flow.
OK, see you at the top !
c u at the top, insya Allah...
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